A pleasure seeking individual, dominated by her Id. Sexually preoccupied, orally fixated, paranoid, and with tendencies of multiple personality disorder (just exaggerating things). A Masochist, Athazagoraphobic and a Clinomaniac. Nosy. Lazy. Sarcastic. Almost Narcissistic. Assertive, sometimes agressive. Talks non-sense. Full blown fangirl during summers. loves the smell of nail polishes. Eats a LOT and never gets fat. In a relationhip with hair dyes.Rather get lost than ask for directions. A Trying-hard. Wants attention, yet not used to it, so tends to become awkward. Bored and wanna see the universe expand and explode. Amina. 18. PH. A full time PSYCH
I hate it when I’m going through something so bad, I feel like I just can’t take it anymore. Like I just want to drop dead. Like I just want to lie down in bed forever, and feel nothing. Feel numb…
But since I am a weak, fragile human being, that’s impossible…
And I’ll just resolve in running to someone important. To someone I can lean on. To someone who can just listen to me, and hopefully feel how hurt I am. To someone who could understand what I’m going through. To someone who’ll understand me…
Then I’ll keep on ranting and ranting about how shitty I feel. Keep on explaining myself. Keep on describing the pain I’m feeling. Keep on describing how heavy I’m feeling. I’ll keep on showing him what exactly my problem is, how it is making me so fucked up, how it is affecting everything about me, and my life, just for him to understand me. Exactly understand ~me~, and share my pain with him.
You know what I mean? When you feel so heavy, and hurt, you want someone to understand you, ~really~ understand you, you want them to feel ~exactly~ the same way you’re feeling. Like you want them to see everything in your perspective, and feel the pain. Because you think, in that way you can lessen the heaviness inside, the pain inside, coz there’s someone who feel exactly the same way that you do, and you’re not alone anymore…
Because that’s what all of these are about… You’re feeling so alone, you feel like the pain could swallow you whole, and die… And we don’t want that. Right? No one wants that feeling.
So, that’s what we do…
But at the end of day. When you’re about to close your eyes. After all the ranting, explaining, and sharing of shits… When you thought the pain isn’t ~that~ painful anymore… When you thought the heaviness isn’t suffocating you to death anymore… Tears suddenly rush down your cheeks. Your breathing suddenly became labored. You just can’t stop your self from feeling miserable all over again, from feeling the pain all over again. You just can’t stop yourself from feeling alone all over again. And then it’ll struck you hard…
In the end… There’s no one else who is hurting ~exactly~ the way that I do. There’s no one else who feel ~exactly~ what I’m feeling now. There’s no one else who knew ~exactly this~ pain better than me. There’s no one else in this dark room who understands me, and everything in me, but myself. There’s no one else, but just me.
I want to have someone to talk to about this, now, personally… But all I’ve got is my iPod. And I don’t feel like texting anybody from my bestfriends, coz I know, that just ain’t enough to make me feel better now. And I don’t feel good having, and bottling all these fucked up thoughts. And the memories of what happened keep flashing in my mind, I feel like drowning from guilt…
Last, last night was a night to regret for me. I swear, that would be the first and last time I would be doing that… /sigh
And why am I even blogging in English… Ugh~
May 10, in one of my gay friends’ birthday celebration in a resort, night swimming… I make out with a guy I barely even know (in the pool /gha)… His hands all over my thighs (coz he keeps on pushing his luck to touch me down there), on my breasts (though clothed, coz I just can’t let him touch me there, in flesh), his lips ~in~ mine, his tongue on my neck. Ugh~
Why did I even had the guts to do that?! Why do I easily fell for my friends’ tauntings?! Why did my curiosity got the better of me?! Why do one of my close girl friends, who happen to have a boyfriend, who’s also my boyfriend’s bestfriend (we’re both doomed if ever they’ll know about this, I know) have to influence me from doing that, just because she’s doing it to?! Why did I even let him pull me to that fucking pool, and snatch away my sanity?! What am I thinking that night?! No… Why am I not thinking that night?! Ugh~ I hate how stupid, and weak I am ~most~ of the time! /sigh~
But honestly, I can’t blame anybody. Right? I must not blame anybody. Because it’s me who brought myself from doing that… /sigh~
Am I just over reacting?! It’s just a make out, and an almost-half-body-thing, right?! But… Ghaaa! I still did it, and I have a fucking boyfriend for almost 6 years for Santa’s sake! ><
I dunno what’s eating me… Maybe guilt (who wouldn’t). Or something more…
Honestly, I didn’t felt anything while doing that, with that whoever-I-never-knew-since-that-day guy… I mean, we’re making out!? I still should have felt something right?! I’m just human. Lust!? Whatever!? Right?! But nah. All I got that exact moment was… Nothing. I obviously had the effect on him coz he just kept on asking me for more whenever I’d stop responding, or whenever I’d stop him (or is it just me, and guys are really like that to any girl? I dunno). But in my case… There’s nothing. I am just kissing him, nothing more, nothing less… Kissing someone, and not ~feeling~ anything. Anything…
And at the exact moment I stopped him, like really stopped him, and walked out from there… Thoughts, and images of my boyfriend came rushing in. Like I just learned how to breath, and my brain just flew back in my skull, and start functioning. That sucks, you know… When you’ve done something really wrong, and just ~really thought~ about it after you’ve already done it, and the damages have been done. I suck, I know…
Then the images of what happened keeps flashing in my mind… Like it’s nagging me. Killing me, and suffocating me in guilt. Like it’s taunting me to go and jump off a bridge, and die, coz what I did is just… Ugh~
Is this how really it is when you’ve done something wrong for the first time?! Like it’s the ultimate sin you ever did?! I mean, I feel like sht now.
And now… I don’t know what to do… What if my boyfriend will know about it?! I’m seriously doomed, and fucked. Uh, no… No fucks for me because of that I guess. What will happen if that time comes?! Coz I know not all secrets are forever. And that is a kind of secret you can’t expect to be hidden forever. We’re actually in a fight now, since I didn’t told him I joined that night swimming, with those guys, and he can be crazy jealous most of the time. Now, what more if he knew I had a make out session with one of those guys I barely know?! Gha! Can’t imagine the war we’ll be having! And I believe, in our world, girls’ mistakes are perceived to have a tripple weight than guys’ mistake though they have the same mistake… So, I’m really doomed.
And these fucked up feelings inside me are never helping either…
I wanna run… Run somewhere… And forever be forgotten.
I feel so emo than the usual emo me.
Some people just can’t accept the fact that they have issues within them, so they start blaming everyone else but themselves. Leaving them hurt, as well as the people around them. And they don’t want to accept any help also, because for them there’s nothing wrong in their selves, they don’t have self issues. It’s always about someone, about something, about everything… But never them.
They’re the kind of people who says they had enough, and shielded themselves into someone ~better~ for their ~own taste~ (If you know what I mean). And those kind of people sucks.
But I can’t blame them either, because I know deep inside them, they’ve been hurt so bad, they’ve been through so much, if not so much, they’ve been through ~something~ that left them hurt, or broken, or not okay for too long, or something so strong for them, that made them change into that someone… Someone overly protective with their selves. Someone so preoccupied with who they were, what they’ve been through, who they are, and who they ~must~ be, what kind of person they ~must~ be. Just… Just to… Just to suppress that pain they’ve been through. They must ~act~, look strong, for they see weakness as a sign of another painful thing they can’t imagine to endure… Again.
They became these annoying people, that’ll leave you pissed with them, as well as yourself for they can blame you about everything, even World War. They will always rub your faults on your face, they can be angry at you even for the slightest mistake you did, even for the smallest reason they can come up to… They’ll eat up your patience. They’ll leave you feeling miserable about yourself, just like how they felt before…
But I think, more than anything else, they don’t need your rants, they don’t need your speech about how fucked up they are as a person, how mean, and cruel they are, how hurtful they’re words are, how they suck… Because that won’t make them any better, they won’t hear any of it, saying why do people always blame them blah blah blah, in short, they’ll just blame you for blaming them. Hah! (Isn’t that just the actual fuck?!) What they need is someone who can see past their covers, past the identity they made up to look strong, past the “This is me” they made to protect themselves, and be ~good enough~ for themselves. They need someone who knows how to understand, and knows the right words to say to open them up, and see the real them.
But they still suck, really.
