Lamon

Bakit sinasabi nilang wag ka daw magbibigay ng sobra sa isang relasyon o wag mo daw ibibigay lahat-lahat s’yo sa isang relasyon?

Hindi naman directly o literal na dahil talaga mauubusan ka ng para sa sarili mo at walang matitira s’yo gaya ng madalas sabihin, e…

Palagay ko kasi, madalas kung gaano karami yung binibigay natin ganun din yung ineexpect nating kapalit, ganun din yung hinihintay nating sukli. Palagay mo bat ka nanunumbat pag binigay mo na lahat tapos nagkalabuan pa rin kayo and all that? Kasi nag-eexpect ka na sa dami ng binigay mo, malamang naman dapat maibalik yun s’yo, maramdaman mo din na ganun karami yung balik s’yo, kaso hindi ganun dating s’yo. And what do we usually get from expecting too much?…

Isa pa… Bago ka pumasok dun sa relasyon nirequire ka ba nung other party na ibigay lahat? Nagdemand ba? Namilit ba? May unwritten contract ba na dapat ibigay mo sa kanya lahat dahil yun ang gusto n’ya? Wala. Wala s’yang sinabi na, “ibigay mo sakin ang lahat s’yo, body and soul, para sumaya ako.” Wala.

Kaya bakit parang ang dating s’yo obligasyon n’yang suklian ang lahat ng bagay na binigay mo, na in the first place hindi naman n’ya hiningi s’yo? Choice mong ibigay lahat… Pero di s’ya ang nagbigay s’yo ng choice na yun. Kundi ikaw sa sarili mo…

Hindi ka mauubusan, kung mahal mo naman talaga, as in “mahal”, wala sa bokabolaryo mo ang pagkaubos… Mapapagod ka lang. Hindi magbigay kundi mag-expect. Pinapagod mo sarili mo mag-expect kasi lunod na lunod ka sa idea na “binigay mo lahat” at naghihintay ka ng kapalit nun o percieved na kapalit nun sa part n’ya.

Tapos s’ya lunod na lunod na din… Lunod sa uri ng pagmamahal mo na parehong nilalamon ang pagkatao n’yo.

At parang di ata magandang pakinggan sa seryosong usapan yung term na “lamon” sa isang relasyon.

How I wish…

They say, when people leave we must treasure the memories we had with them, the feelings they had brought us…

You know, how I wish it’s just that easy… How I wish it’s as easy as making a box where you can put all the stuff that are valuable to you or somehow meant something for you…

I mean, how can people just say that?!

When it’s so painful you feel like you’re tearing literally?! When the memories, especially the happy ones are just making you feel miserable, when the feelings are just making you want to vomit your guts out?!

When it’s so wrecking, you wish people just leave and bring everything with them, bring the memories, bring the feelings, bring everything you’ve given them. Take them away from your being…

And just… Leave you there… Numb. It sounds even better. Appealing.

Don’t you think?

It’s 2:36AM…
You’ve been lying down in your bed since forever. Trying to fall asleep. Trying very hard but failing miserably.
You’re tired but you’re not really sure if it’s because of the tossing and turning in you’re bed you’ve been doing since 10PM, or if it’s because of something else… Something else you’ve been trying to… Trying to run away from. Running but never moving.
You’re so annoyed yet you dn’t know whether you’re annoyed with someone or you’re more annoyed of yourself.
You’re in pain… Great pain. But you’re just there lying down, not even moving. Feeling numb already from the pain. Or is it just a mechanism you learned to do? The art of denying? The art of supressing?
You’re confused… You don’t know what to do already. Or is it really? Are you really confuse? You really don’t know what to? Or you just don’t trust yourself anymore to do anything else? Since you always know what to do but your stubborn self keeps doing otherwise?
You are frustrated… Everything is frustrating. You just want to stop but stopping’s making it all more frustrating for you…
Right there and then… In the darkness of your room, in the coldness of your bed, you end up crying… Crying seems to be the only way you can ease the feelings… It seems the only way.
Yet the more you cry, the more you feel annoyed, pained, confused. The more you want to stop from crying. But you can’t… Even the act of crying seems so frustrating, you’re in mess already.
You can’t take it already…
You’re a mess… You’re a mess… You’re a mess… And that’s all you can think of along all the shits inside… You’re a great mess.
You’re nothing but a mess…

Pain for gain.

We all always have our own selfish reasons…

I realized that, even though we’re doing something for the sake of someone, sacrificing all possible things, making the hardest decisions ever with regards to someone, choosing what’s best for someone “regardless” of ourselves, it’s not always entirely about them or for them. Yes, you can say that you don’t care about yourself anymore as long as your doing it for them, that you don’t care about the sufferings anymore, the pain, and all those shits, but deep, deep down inside it’s also all about you, for you.

Because despite all the things you have to go through, in the end, you’ll gain something from it, unconsciously, subconsciously you always tend to go for the gain, wether it be physical, emotional, psychological, even spiritual.

Why do you think some people are willing to give up everything for the ones they love, value so much? It’s not really entirely because they “value them that much”, but because they value themselves as much, or maybe even more. The connection they have with those people have unimaginable effects over them. And if someone is affecting your whole being like that, all the more you protect them, do everything for them, because it’s as close as protecting, and doing everything for yourself, too. Basically, their pain and gain are yours, too.

I dn’t know if I’m making any sense here… Or I’m just this selfish to have this kind of lame thoughts and ideas.

Head vs Heart

Di naman ganun diba? Head vs heart? Utak laban sa puso? Pag-iisip laban sa emosyon? Hindi naman ganun, e.

Lagi namang head vs head, e. Diba? It’s just thoughts. Emosyon? Nasa utak din naman yan. Nagpapahirap lang yung emosyon that goes with the thoughts…

I mean, lahat naman nasa utak mo lang. Head vs heart? Tss. Siguro metaphor nga lang yung “heart” na term pero mali pa din, e. Dinadamay mo pa puso mong nanahimik magbomba ng dugo sa katawan mo. Ayaw mo lang aminin na hindi ka nag-iisip ng maayos o nahihirapan ka magprioritize o nahihirapan na magdesisyon o andami mong iniisip na gusto mo lang takasan at sisisihin mo pa puso mo.

Alam mo yun?