They say, when people leave we must treasure the memories we had with them, the feelings they had brought us…
You know, how I wish it’s just that easy… How I wish it’s as easy as making a box where you can put all the stuff that are valuable to you or somehow meant something for you…
I mean, how can people just say that?!
When it’s so painful you feel like you’re tearing literally?! When the memories, especially the happy ones are just making you feel miserable, when the feelings are just making you want to vomit your guts out?!
When it’s so wrecking, you wish people just leave and bring everything with them, bring the memories, bring the feelings, bring everything you’ve given them. Take them away from your being…
And just… Leave you there… Numb. It sounds even better. Appealing.Don’t you think?
You’ve been lying down in your bed since forever. Trying to fall asleep. Trying very hard but failing miserably.
You’re tired but you’re not really sure if it’s because of the tossing and turning in you’re bed you’ve been doing since 10PM, or if it’s because of something else… Something else you’ve been trying to… Trying to run away from. Running but never moving.
You’re so annoyed yet you dn’t know whether you’re annoyed with someone or you’re more annoyed of yourself.
You’re in pain… Great pain. But you’re just there lying down, not even moving. Feeling numb already from the pain. Or is it just a mechanism you learned to do? The art of denying? The art of supressing?
You’re confused… You don’t know what to do already. Or is it really? Are you really confuse? You really don’t know what to? Or you just don’t trust yourself anymore to do anything else? Since you always know what to do but your stubborn self keeps doing otherwise?
You are frustrated… Everything is frustrating. You just want to stop but stopping’s making it all more frustrating for you…
Right there and then… In the darkness of your room, in the coldness of your bed, you end up crying… Crying seems to be the only way you can ease the feelings… It seems the only way.
Yet the more you cry, the more you feel annoyed, pained, confused. The more you want to stop from crying. But you can’t… Even the act of crying seems so frustrating, you’re in mess already.
You can’t take it already…
You’re a mess… You’re a mess… You’re a mess… And that’s all you can think of along all the shits inside… You’re a great mess.
You’re nothing but a mess…
We all always have our own selfish reasons…
I realized that, even though we’re doing something for the sake of someone, sacrificing all possible things, making the hardest decisions ever with regards to someone, choosing what’s best for someone “regardless” of ourselves, it’s not always entirely about them or for them. Yes, you can say that you don’t care about yourself anymore as long as your doing it for them, that you don’t care about the sufferings anymore, the pain, and all those shits, but deep, deep down inside it’s also all about you, for you.
Because despite all the things you have to go through, in the end, you’ll gain something from it, unconsciously, subconsciously you always tend to go for the gain, wether it be physical, emotional, psychological, even spiritual.
Why do you think some people are willing to give up everything for the ones they love, value so much? It’s not really entirely because they “value them that much”, but because they value themselves as much, or maybe even more. The connection they have with those people have unimaginable effects over them. And if someone is affecting your whole being like that, all the more you protect them, do everything for them, because it’s as close as protecting, and doing everything for yourself, too. Basically, their pain and gain are yours, too.
I dn’t know if I’m making any sense here… Or I’m just this selfish to have this kind of lame thoughts and ideas.
Di naman ganun diba? Head vs heart? Utak laban sa puso? Pag-iisip laban sa emosyon? Hindi naman ganun, e.
Lagi namang head vs head, e. Diba? It’s just thoughts. Emosyon? Nasa utak din naman yan. Nagpapahirap lang yung emosyon that goes with the thoughts…
I mean, lahat naman nasa utak mo lang. Head vs heart? Tss. Siguro metaphor nga lang yung “heart” na term pero mali pa din, e. Dinadamay mo pa puso mong nanahimik magbomba ng dugo sa katawan mo. Ayaw mo lang aminin na hindi ka nag-iisip ng maayos o nahihirapan ka magprioritize o nahihirapan na magdesisyon o andami mong iniisip na gusto mo lang takasan at sisisihin mo pa puso mo.
Alam mo yun?
No. I don’t think I miss the person who I used to be… What I miss are the people who used to be around my old self, the places we used to go, the things we used to do.
When we start changing, everything and everyone around us follows. Because aside from the fact that they really do changing individually, the change that really matters here is within us. In time, with experience, we learn new things, or new things about everything we already knew, thus changing how we view and perceive everything, anything in the world. We’re changing because we’re learning, whether it’s positive or negative, we will not stop changing because we can’t stop learning. Yes, we may unlearn things, forget things, but we can’t stop learning. Our mind is like that, it may be a cliche to say this, but our mind is like the universe.
I don’t really miss the person who I used to be, because she’s still here inside of me. And that old me became the foundation of who I am now… Yes, I may have changed but who isn’t?
Change is something we must willingly accept, whether god is real or not, whether the Big Bang Theory is real or not, whether we really do evolved from monkeys or not.
But along with change, sadness is also inevitable. Isn’t it just saddening when things, people start drifting away just because you’re not the same old you, just because you see things differently now, just because your values have changed, just because you knew better, just because they doesn’t “fit” in your life just like how they used to, just like how you used to be, just because you have different set of beliefs now, just because the things you used to have in common before have changed now, and the just-because list goes on… Isn’t it saddening?
I just realized how foolish it is to say “I badly want to grow up, and experience the world myself!” before, because even though we know for a fact that change is constant, inevitable, we really don’t know it’s meaning until you’re in the point of your life where you’ve grown up, you’re in an adventure to experience the world, and you suddenly stop, and say to yourself, “Hey, I kinda miss all the things used-to-be…”, and then you’ll go all emo and post something like this in your blog. Isn’t this just so funny and sad and foolish?
I’m not really sure if I just really miss them, the old times and stuff, or if I’m just afraid that in time, with all these changes, they’ll be gone in my life for real. You know what I mean?
I don’t want that point in my life where the people, the places, the things we used to do that helped me build my old self, which is the foundation of who I am now (that I value so much), will become memories. Just thinking about losing those people I value a lot just because of these changes scares me a lot.
I think, that’s really what’s this post is all about, eh? It’s all about my fear of losing them, of losing valuable people in my life, of losing people I treasure.
But isn’t it still possible to keep them in your life no matter the changes are? That’s what real/true relationship, friendship is all about, right? Sticking together through it all no matter what? But do the friendship/relationship I have with those people powerful enough to stand through changes?
Shit. Why am I having doubts now?!
Am I just being paranoid here?
I mean, are they really drifting away from me? Or it’s me? Or it’s just my mind telling me negative things? It’s just me over thinking?
Or am I just that afraid of feeling alone? Oh! All of us is afraid of that one way or another anyway… So, am I having this fear and thoughts because I feel so all alone now? And lonely?
Agh! Shit. This post just became a mess…